When growth causes dysregulation and why it's a good thing:
​
​But first: Welcome! This is my new coaching... letter. (I've decided I'm against the word newsletter, lol. This ain't news. It's a letter from me to you.)

let's talk about when you need to let yourself to feel difficult things without deciding it means you're failing.

Sometimes I get caught in this trap of thinking that any uncomfortable energy inside of me means that I am failing (at healing? at "doing the work"? whatever it might be) and that the goal should be that I am fully regulated, confident, and certain at all times. Actually most of the time when I feel anything uncomfortable, my visceral reaction is to feel like I'm failing.

If I was doing things right, I wouldn't feel so wobbly all the time.

When I think about it, I know that being regulated at all times isn't even realistic. I have a benediction I give to my clients when they finish their time with me, and one of the lines is:

May you remember that the work is not to eliminate obstacles or discomfort as you go forward, but to increase your capacity to weather them and show self leadership...

Sometimes growth (and the actions that require growth) brings this very real GRATING energy to our system. And that's because we are breaking a habit that our brains have memorized.

We are taking our nervous system out of a cycle that it has now associated with safety and comfort and putting it in a new place, and it (our nervous system) is...not enjoying the ride.

It can be easy in that moment to start second-guessing everything.

But THAT! That space that feels chaotic and challenging and how you handle that space IS the growth, this space is where the rubber begins to meet the road, and it is not an indication of failure - it is EXACTLY where you are supposed to be.

Because in that space, you learn to show up for yourself with patience, with understanding, and with trust in the process.

This type of thing shows up for me when I'm learning to let me kids be their own people and make their own mistakes. I feel SO MUCH inner distress and agitation and immediately start questioning my choices, even though what's actually happening is my kids build problem-solving skills and trust in themselves.

It shows up when I take professional risks and am filled with uncertainty and fear - what if I fuck this up? But if I want to expand, I have to be willing to feel uncomfortable.

It shows up when I recognize a codependent pattern in myself and then guide myself to meet my own needs before chasing down my partner to soothe me. I'm proud to meet my own needs, but the execution is so deeply uncomfortable.

It shows up when I make tough decisions that I KNOW are what's right for me, but my parents or family or friends don't get it and I have to do my own thing knowing they don't have the faith in me I wish they would.

It's in those moments where I am building the deep foundation of self trust, self leadership, and self-compassion that will continue to carry me to new heights in my life, as I actually sit with and then move through those feelings I'm trying SO HARD to avoid.

Some mantras I have used to navigate the discomfort of growth:

I am exactly where I am meant to be, learning exactly what I am meant to learn. Nothing has gone wrong.

I trust myself to sit still with this discomfort. Everything is ok, and I'm ok with feeling uncomfortable.

It's safe for me to make mistakes and learn as I go. No matter what happens, I trust myself to navigate this.

I am doing a beautiful job at this. Even when I am uncertain or confused, I love myself deeply and give myself permission to let go and trust the process.

In your corner,

Jolie

Thinking about coaching?

I have some spaces opening up this month! You can respond to this email with questions, or you can book a call with me here.

My client Ashley just finished her first three month container with me, and I could not be more proud of her. This is how she ended our last call:​
​
“I feel so complete right now. I feel like in life, often you don’t walk away from things feeling like, 'That's exactly what I wanted to get out of that thing.' But that’s how I’m feeling here. This is just exactly the container that I needed, I got exactly the information that I wanted. You're exactly the perfect person I wanted to get the information from.

I'm walking away feeling so happy. I have literally told everyone in my life about it. ‘You need to go to talk to Jolie!’ Thank you. I have so many good things to say!”
​
Want to hear from more women who have already taken the leap? Check out my ever-growing testimonials page chock full of women so thrilled with the growth they walked away with.