when taking action is a bad thing

Self-abandonment is big in my own life and with my clients, and I'm convinced that sometimes what we think is tackling self-abandonment is sometimes actually doubling down on it.

Recently a client was sharing with me about her efforts to stop self-abandoning. She had been trying to deal with relationship frustration by taking action, which always sounds like a good thing to do.

In her case, it was initiating more conversations with her partner about things that were frustrating her (speaking up and voicing her needs!) but it was landing her in even more frustration.

Her partner was not responding the way she wanted, and she still wound up feeling abandoned, even after asserting herself to get her needs met.

I proposed a reframe.

What if "taking action" - chasing down conversations, over-explaining ourselves, fighting to be understood, ruminating, reading just one more relationship or self-help book to find the magic information that will convince our partner, parent, friend to treat us better... -
​is often just more self-abandonment?

It's not a bad thing to assert our needs, or educate ourselves. These are some of many skills we need to master. But before that, there's something else we need to master.

And that's the skillset to hold and experience our own discomfort before we chase down anyone or anything we think will fix the experience we'd rather not be having.

When we "take action," we are often trying to distract or make sense of pain that ultimately just needs to be felt. Instead of feeling it, we project it, talk around it, find blame or reason for it - anything but feel it.

So many times I've had to realize that intellectualizing my problems in therapy, or having emotional outbursts to defend myself, or putting up intense boundaries that shield me from all potential interaction and thus pain, or over-explaining to people...

...are not always genuine self-advocacy. Instead, for me they became a version of self-abandonment, because they are a way for me to feel like I'm doing something productive while getting to opt out of looking squarely at my pain.

But the most productive thing I can do - is to simply develop the ability to feel my pain. The pain of feeling misunderstood. The pain of feeling not considered. The pain of fear. The pain of uncertainty. We can hold these and still be ok - even without all the action.

In your corner,

Jolie

now is the time!

I am currently accepting summer applications for my 1:1 coaching on a first come, first serve basis. Coaching is for you if you often feel like fear is driving your life, if you're fed up with not making the progress you've wanted to see and you're ready to invest in yourself in a way that will really make an impact.

If you "know" all the stuff but can't figure out how to BE all the stuff, and you're ready to make a commitment to some real, tangible growth in an impactful container, coaching might be the magic you're seeking.

In this 3 month container you have daily access to me over text and voice memo, plus seven zoom sessions and all of the intensive tools and skills we work on to create a life with more clarity, ease, and confidence.

If you want more details respond DETAILS to this email, or click the button below to book a chat with me! You can also read all about coaching here. ​

upcoming online event :)

and it's gonna be free! I will be hosting a live, interactive teaching event on May 30th over zoom. If you've been wanting to learn more about your own limiting beliefs, how to write power-packed personal affirmations, and how to start outgrowing versions of yourself that aren't serving you, this event is going to be for you.

The next email I send out will have registration details! If you have preferences on the timing of it, please let me know via email or DM!